sell your clothes, keep your thoughts

It's been a crazy month or so -- the kind you look back on and wonder exactly what you actually did during it. I find that my overall state of happiness lies chiefly in my stress. Don't expect to find a happy Courtney when I have too much time on my hands. I'm overloaded and overbooked and completely thrilled with everything going on in my life. 

Firstly, know that my supposedly brave, forceful front is just that: a front. When it comes to true tests of courage, I'm in line with the mice. When I was younger, I could play on stage or talk in front of 50 people with complete ease. I could entertain a room or at least hold the attention of the few people I was talking to; but it's a different situation to have a job interview or voice my opinion to strong opposition. I'm quite the timid little girl about serious tests. That's why, until now, I've played it safe in my college career (that is, if you call living with zealous Italians 'playing it safe'). 

Since I came back to Norman, I started writing for the paper (albeit, somewhat poorly); applying for things like crazy; and maybe even going on a date with a handsome stranger.

In early September, I told myself that I was going to go to the Career Fair. "No more getting out of it, Courtney. You're going to show up in a monkey suit and impress those corporate recruiters. You're going to be looking for a job in two years so get to networking." So I did just that. I went to that pig slaughter and stood in line with all the other seemingly average students who were going to beg and flatter their way into whatever summer internship they could find. I went to 5 organizations.

I started with my favorite, my dream job, my ideal: the Department of State. Been there, done that, as far as internship applications go. I'd applied and got on the "alternate list" for an internship this past summer in Roma at the U.S. Embassy. It all worked  out fine -- I would've had to come home for Cara's wedding and then return; and the internship would have been unpaid. There's a reason that it didn't work out. I mainly went because I'm still interested in the State Department long-term so I talked to the diplomat in residence. 

Then I spoke with (in no particular order) Phillips 66, ConocoPhillips, Devon and Chesapeake. Woah. Lots of big names there, huh? 

WELL. Guess who I had a VERY successful interview with today for a possible summer 2013 internship? Haha. I know better than that! I'm not telling you! At least, not for another 3 weeks when I find out the official results. What I can say is, that was the most comfortable and successful interview I've ever left. I'm definitely excited at the prospect of spending the summer with them. 

Other than that, I interviewed for OU's Chapter of the JCPenney Leadership Program. They had a record number of applicants (150+) and I made in the top 55. Not too shabby. In the last 3 weeks, I've worn a suit 4 times. I must say, that's a rarity for me under any circumstances. 

As for the date, well, we'll see. I'm not one to shy away from new things or people but with my busy life right now, I just don't want to commit a bunch of extra time. 

“However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.”

-Henry David Thoreau

Gold Medalist

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were thing like astronaut, president, or in my case… princess. 

When we were ten, they asked again and we answered - rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we've grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how 'bout this: who the heck knows?!

This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions, its time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy 'cause there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent.

So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won't have to guess. We'll know."

The 4th Stage

Birth. Childhood. Adulthood. Death. Repeat.
That exact moment that you realize how human we really are -- that from the day we are born, our bodies are slowing dying. That exact moment when you stop thinking like a 21 year old that will live forever. That exact moment that it stops being irrelevant to you and becomes really personal. That exact moment that you realize that your life is about to drastically change.

Over the last week, I have heard some of the saddest and most heart-wrenching news in the lives of a couple different people -- some I sat near at church and some that I speak to on an almost-daily basis. Isn't grief so interesting? I mean, every single person deals with it differently. What do you do in times of sadness?

Do you dwell on it or do you avoid it?
Do you lose your appetite or overeat?
Do you find yourself wide awake in the night or do you sleep through the day?
Do you find yourself more productive or immobile?
Talk about it too much or not enough?
Do you pick up a hobby or do you just sit in silence?
Call a friend? Turn off your phone?

Well, whatever it is you do, maybe it'll help to hear the advice of a giant:
"Be known for your gentleness and never forget the nearness of our God. And don't worry about whatever's going to come. Just tell God every detail and the peace of God that no one understand will come to you."
Philippians 4:6-7

Easier said than done, right? If you're me, you're thinking that "not worrying" is asking a little too much. If you're me, you're wondering, "Why are we even here? Why get in too deep with people and be vulnerable when death and tragedy is so inevitable?" That's one those questions that is usually answered by, "Don't dwell on questions that you'll never know the answer to."

Well. I wanna know.

"There is nothing to be feared from a body any more than

 there is anything to be feared from the darkness . . . 

It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

HP, HBP