What do you want?

For my whole life (and the whole lives of most women out there), we've heard jest of women's inability to just commit already. I don't mean commit to relationships, because most women find that rather natural -- I mean commit to a decision or course. "What do women want?" There's even an entire Mel Gibson rom-com that addresses the question! To an extent, I can see how this could be a fair question. Indecisiveness can be infuriating, I understand.

But on behalf of women everywhere, I've got to ask, What do MEN want?

We've been told by the sensitive psychologists of the modern generation that subconsciously, a man needs to be needed. He doesn't want to feel disposable or unwanted. Yet our histories and our stories want to depict men as these hunters who will fight for something if they feel the risk is worth the prize. Our mothers and grandmothers taught us not to be easy -- that we were worth all the playing-hard-to-get and ambiguity that comes from not knowing. So this annoying game of cat-and-mouse has ensued where we try to be mysterious and guarded and somehow expect men to chase.

The thing is: Men in my generation don't chase. They expect an equal if not more persistent woman to ask THEM out or show the first sign of vulnerability. I always swore that I wouldn't be that girl because it "isn't supposed to work that way." Men are "supposed" to chase us. One of my friends in high school used to get so frustrated with me: "Why don't you just tell him you like him? I'm not saying you have to ask him out -- just let him know that if he did, you would say yes. That's fair, isn't it?" And I suppose that it is. I guess at the end of the day, neither sex wants to put themselves out there -- it's scary. So if they do, not only have they proven that they're very interested, but they've shown that you're worth all the courage it took to ask you out.

So should I be mysterious, obvious, blunt, passive, relate-able, delicate, what? What do you WANT?

Fat Tuesday

I'm tired of hearing people complain about "my generation" and what technology has "done" to us. You'd think we were little millennial Frankensteins -- out of touch, spoiled and absorbed in this hazy fog that keeps us from coming up for air. I get it. Really, I do. I've been there on some level or another. For me, it has been getting addicted to a TV show (The Office, Gossip Girl, Gilmore Girls, etc.) and realizing after 4 days of watching back-to-back episodes that I seriously wasted 4 days of real, God-given, unabridged life staring at a little screen with bloodshot eyes. Or it might be something like using social networking as an escape from responsibilities, which is pretty consistent with most students, I'd say. In fact, as I type this entry, I'm avoiding my first Human Resources Management test that I should be studying for. Pick your poison, it's there.

They say it's destroyed our ability to interact socially or network professionally. As someone who thrives on face-to-face interaction, I take offense. You won't find me texting someone all day long -- in fact, after 3 or 4 correspondences, I usually give up on conversation. If I can't safely operate my stick-shift vehicle and engage in our conversation, I'll get bored and give up. I don't mind phone conversations. They used to really bother me, mostly when people call but have nothing to say. Except Bailey. Sometimes we'd spend 4 straight days together and then call each other while we were unpacking. We wouldn't even be talking -- just listening and somehow appreciating the mutual silence. What I'm trying to tell you, albeit poorly is: I don't feel destroyed.

I have, though, seen the effects of this rumored digression. I've seen the kid who obviously doesn't remember how to speak English and I've been on the occasional date that you show up for and the witty conversationalist is all of a sudden dull or mute. I'm not denying it happens. What I'm asking you to keep in mind is: It wasn't my generation that created the world that I live in. If you're even 10 years older than me, it was your's. I'm merely using the tools with which I was equipped. 

I'm constantly learning new things. My mind is always roaming, I'm always daydreaming or engrossed in my own internal struggles and thoughts. I appreciate the clutter that my brain is able to sort through when it's not overloaded with media. So here it is, the big one: My Fat Tuesday just ended and my Lent has begun. As a practicing Protestant, I am giving up social media for the duration. What will I do instead, you ask? Maybe I'll pray, learn to knit, start morning yoga, read another book, I'm not sure. But it's nice, not knowing.

That grogginess, that foggy haze, it lures you in. But you know, the possibilities that are open to you when you shut your laptop are endless. Your small misadventures are awaiting you!

Victor

Taking Chances

When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some of this post is going to sound unavoidably pretentious but I trust that my small following of readers will read it in good faith :) I believe that everyone has things about themselves that they love. Whether this list is one of physical qualities, learned abilities, or innate gifts, they're there. And hey, that's normal! Only a healthy human being can look within themselves and find good. Sometimes these qualities are ones that we can't see for ourselves; but that's why we have each other! That being said, there are a few things about myself that I love:

1. My hair. When I was growing up, it was cute. We couldn't go anywhere without someone commenting on my "unique," "carrot," "beautiful," "Is that the milkman's daughter?," hair. I hated it for a long time because 1) guys don't like girls with red hair (don't argue with me, it's the truth) and 2) all the popular, pretty girls were blonde and brunette. Why did I have to be so different? It wasn't until late junior high that I finally decided it was my birthmark, my identifier, and so indicative of the uniqueness that I carried with me.

2. My imagination. When I was in 9th grade, one of my favorite years of school, I had a teacher of current events and Oklahoma History named Dr. Foote. As far as teachers went, he was a gem, and I told him as much every chance I got. One time I asked him how he remained so relatable, even though he was in his 60s (I'm sure I even said it just like that -- I was so tactless at that age). He said, "You know, I decided a long time ago that if I was going to teach, I never wanted to forget what it was like to be your age." I thought that was the coolest thing I'd ever heard! I mean, parents don't even do that most of the time! How does this tie into my imagination? Well, I guess I just think it's made me good with kids and youth. On reflection, given the right age group, I could've been a teacher. I love that I can carry entire conversations with a 13 year old, even though the only thing we have in common is the fact that I was also once 13 years old. 

3. My humor. I love my sense of humor. I love that I take tense situations and make everyone redirect their energy into laughing. Long before my body is sagging from age, I will have laugh lines, because I love to laugh. Honestly, everyone THINKS their funny. And if you're reading this thinking, "Courtney, shut up, you're not funny, your jokes are only funny to you;" that's okay, too. Because while you're 

scowling at me, I'm laughing. So there. I win.

4. My intelligence. Before you let out a guffaw, please understand that I am very average student. I don't get exceptional grades and I'm not the first to speak up in class. I'm not talking about book smarts -- I'm talking about the knowledge I've acquired through experience. I love that I'm a jack-of-all-trades sort of person. I can help my dad build something, knowing the names of all the tools we use. I can help my mom sew, knowing all the sewing terminology she uses. I can talk to my actress friend and know most of the words she throws around and even a lot of the music she chooses. I can talk science with my friend who's studying medicine. I can talk cars (a little), fashion, music, international affairs, business, italian, italian wine, food, etc. I love that I can find something to say to every person I meet because unlike some, I'd rather know a little about everything than a lot about nothing. We get one chance at life -- I don't want to miss a thing. 

5. My spontaneity. I've made many spontaneous, risky decisions in my lifetime. I've also made some that were planned, risky decisions. I love that I've thrown myself into crazy places and things without looking back because it's lead me to some amazing opportunities. I'm terrified to look back on a life that was boring and empty. That's not the life we were created to live. 

______________________________________________________________________

So there it is! Probably my top 5 favorite things about me! I finished with spontaneity because I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Because, as of late, I've found myself doing what I can to coast under the radar, which is sad because my willingness to take risks has always been one my favorite things about me. More specifically, I've failed at taking risks in relationships. Courtney, why'd you have to go there, huh? Go write that in your diary! I know, I know. The thing is, I've gotten so comfortable being alone. I lost my best friend awhile back. She was my other brain, my other set of eyes, my limbs. I was heartbroken and getting to a place where we both can be happy for each in spite of our differences hasn't been easy. So I've felt like I've had to figure things out differently, which has been lonely sometimes. But now even when someone great offers their heart, I quickly shut them out because it's easier to do that than to experience the loss of losing them later. So here it is, folks, the big one. I need to find a way to love my love. I want one of my favorite things about myself to be the way I love others and the relationships I create. And I need you to keep me accountable!

Mama Said

I imagine you're sitting on the couch in your living room. Maybe you have a bowl of popcorn and the remote in hand as you channel surf for a good movie. Are you tired? Insomnia getting you down? If only I were so lucky. I'm exhausted, grumpy and fed up with my 10-page "group" paper that this girl is essentially writing, editing and researching by herself. So instead of feeding my pessimism, I'll leave you with a video that Danielle and I just spent the last 10 minutes dancing to for stress-relief. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQlImg2bm28 

sell your clothes, keep your thoughts

It's been a crazy month or so -- the kind you look back on and wonder exactly what you actually did during it. I find that my overall state of happiness lies chiefly in my stress. Don't expect to find a happy Courtney when I have too much time on my hands. I'm overloaded and overbooked and completely thrilled with everything going on in my life. 

Firstly, know that my supposedly brave, forceful front is just that: a front. When it comes to true tests of courage, I'm in line with the mice. When I was younger, I could play on stage or talk in front of 50 people with complete ease. I could entertain a room or at least hold the attention of the few people I was talking to; but it's a different situation to have a job interview or voice my opinion to strong opposition. I'm quite the timid little girl about serious tests. That's why, until now, I've played it safe in my college career (that is, if you call living with zealous Italians 'playing it safe'). 

Since I came back to Norman, I started writing for the paper (albeit, somewhat poorly); applying for things like crazy; and maybe even going on a date with a handsome stranger.

In early September, I told myself that I was going to go to the Career Fair. "No more getting out of it, Courtney. You're going to show up in a monkey suit and impress those corporate recruiters. You're going to be looking for a job in two years so get to networking." So I did just that. I went to that pig slaughter and stood in line with all the other seemingly average students who were going to beg and flatter their way into whatever summer internship they could find. I went to 5 organizations.

I started with my favorite, my dream job, my ideal: the Department of State. Been there, done that, as far as internship applications go. I'd applied and got on the "alternate list" for an internship this past summer in Roma at the U.S. Embassy. It all worked  out fine -- I would've had to come home for Cara's wedding and then return; and the internship would have been unpaid. There's a reason that it didn't work out. I mainly went because I'm still interested in the State Department long-term so I talked to the diplomat in residence. 

Then I spoke with (in no particular order) Phillips 66, ConocoPhillips, Devon and Chesapeake. Woah. Lots of big names there, huh? 

WELL. Guess who I had a VERY successful interview with today for a possible summer 2013 internship? Haha. I know better than that! I'm not telling you! At least, not for another 3 weeks when I find out the official results. What I can say is, that was the most comfortable and successful interview I've ever left. I'm definitely excited at the prospect of spending the summer with them. 

Other than that, I interviewed for OU's Chapter of the JCPenney Leadership Program. They had a record number of applicants (150+) and I made in the top 55. Not too shabby. In the last 3 weeks, I've worn a suit 4 times. I must say, that's a rarity for me under any circumstances. 

As for the date, well, we'll see. I'm not one to shy away from new things or people but with my busy life right now, I just don't want to commit a bunch of extra time. 

“However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.”

-Henry David Thoreau

Gold Medalist

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were thing like astronaut, president, or in my case… princess. 

When we were ten, they asked again and we answered - rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we've grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how 'bout this: who the heck knows?!

This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions, its time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy 'cause there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent.

So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won't have to guess. We'll know."

The 4th Stage

Birth. Childhood. Adulthood. Death. Repeat.
That exact moment that you realize how human we really are -- that from the day we are born, our bodies are slowing dying. That exact moment when you stop thinking like a 21 year old that will live forever. That exact moment that it stops being irrelevant to you and becomes really personal. That exact moment that you realize that your life is about to drastically change.

Over the last week, I have heard some of the saddest and most heart-wrenching news in the lives of a couple different people -- some I sat near at church and some that I speak to on an almost-daily basis. Isn't grief so interesting? I mean, every single person deals with it differently. What do you do in times of sadness?

Do you dwell on it or do you avoid it?
Do you lose your appetite or overeat?
Do you find yourself wide awake in the night or do you sleep through the day?
Do you find yourself more productive or immobile?
Talk about it too much or not enough?
Do you pick up a hobby or do you just sit in silence?
Call a friend? Turn off your phone?

Well, whatever it is you do, maybe it'll help to hear the advice of a giant:
"Be known for your gentleness and never forget the nearness of our God. And don't worry about whatever's going to come. Just tell God every detail and the peace of God that no one understand will come to you."
Philippians 4:6-7

Easier said than done, right? If you're me, you're thinking that "not worrying" is asking a little too much. If you're me, you're wondering, "Why are we even here? Why get in too deep with people and be vulnerable when death and tragedy is so inevitable?" That's one those questions that is usually answered by, "Don't dwell on questions that you'll never know the answer to."

Well. I wanna know.

"There is nothing to be feared from a body any more than

 there is anything to be feared from the darkness . . . 

It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

HP, HBP