sell your clothes, keep your thoughts

It's been a crazy month or so -- the kind you look back on and wonder exactly what you actually did during it. I find that my overall state of happiness lies chiefly in my stress. Don't expect to find a happy Courtney when I have too much time on my hands. I'm overloaded and overbooked and completely thrilled with everything going on in my life. 

Firstly, know that my supposedly brave, forceful front is just that: a front. When it comes to true tests of courage, I'm in line with the mice. When I was younger, I could play on stage or talk in front of 50 people with complete ease. I could entertain a room or at least hold the attention of the few people I was talking to; but it's a different situation to have a job interview or voice my opinion to strong opposition. I'm quite the timid little girl about serious tests. That's why, until now, I've played it safe in my college career (that is, if you call living with zealous Italians 'playing it safe'). 

Since I came back to Norman, I started writing for the paper (albeit, somewhat poorly); applying for things like crazy; and maybe even going on a date with a handsome stranger.

In early September, I told myself that I was going to go to the Career Fair. "No more getting out of it, Courtney. You're going to show up in a monkey suit and impress those corporate recruiters. You're going to be looking for a job in two years so get to networking." So I did just that. I went to that pig slaughter and stood in line with all the other seemingly average students who were going to beg and flatter their way into whatever summer internship they could find. I went to 5 organizations.

I started with my favorite, my dream job, my ideal: the Department of State. Been there, done that, as far as internship applications go. I'd applied and got on the "alternate list" for an internship this past summer in Roma at the U.S. Embassy. It all worked  out fine -- I would've had to come home for Cara's wedding and then return; and the internship would have been unpaid. There's a reason that it didn't work out. I mainly went because I'm still interested in the State Department long-term so I talked to the diplomat in residence. 

Then I spoke with (in no particular order) Phillips 66, ConocoPhillips, Devon and Chesapeake. Woah. Lots of big names there, huh? 

WELL. Guess who I had a VERY successful interview with today for a possible summer 2013 internship? Haha. I know better than that! I'm not telling you! At least, not for another 3 weeks when I find out the official results. What I can say is, that was the most comfortable and successful interview I've ever left. I'm definitely excited at the prospect of spending the summer with them. 

Other than that, I interviewed for OU's Chapter of the JCPenney Leadership Program. They had a record number of applicants (150+) and I made in the top 55. Not too shabby. In the last 3 weeks, I've worn a suit 4 times. I must say, that's a rarity for me under any circumstances. 

As for the date, well, we'll see. I'm not one to shy away from new things or people but with my busy life right now, I just don't want to commit a bunch of extra time. 

“However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.”

-Henry David Thoreau

Gold Medalist

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were thing like astronaut, president, or in my case… princess. 

When we were ten, they asked again and we answered - rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we've grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how 'bout this: who the heck knows?!

This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions, its time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy 'cause there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent.

So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won't have to guess. We'll know."

The 4th Stage

Birth. Childhood. Adulthood. Death. Repeat.
That exact moment that you realize how human we really are -- that from the day we are born, our bodies are slowing dying. That exact moment when you stop thinking like a 21 year old that will live forever. That exact moment that it stops being irrelevant to you and becomes really personal. That exact moment that you realize that your life is about to drastically change.

Over the last week, I have heard some of the saddest and most heart-wrenching news in the lives of a couple different people -- some I sat near at church and some that I speak to on an almost-daily basis. Isn't grief so interesting? I mean, every single person deals with it differently. What do you do in times of sadness?

Do you dwell on it or do you avoid it?
Do you lose your appetite or overeat?
Do you find yourself wide awake in the night or do you sleep through the day?
Do you find yourself more productive or immobile?
Talk about it too much or not enough?
Do you pick up a hobby or do you just sit in silence?
Call a friend? Turn off your phone?

Well, whatever it is you do, maybe it'll help to hear the advice of a giant:
"Be known for your gentleness and never forget the nearness of our God. And don't worry about whatever's going to come. Just tell God every detail and the peace of God that no one understand will come to you."
Philippians 4:6-7

Easier said than done, right? If you're me, you're thinking that "not worrying" is asking a little too much. If you're me, you're wondering, "Why are we even here? Why get in too deep with people and be vulnerable when death and tragedy is so inevitable?" That's one those questions that is usually answered by, "Don't dwell on questions that you'll never know the answer to."

Well. I wanna know.

"There is nothing to be feared from a body any more than

 there is anything to be feared from the darkness . . . 

It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

HP, HBP

Peace and Blessings

We were sitting in the food court at Penn Square Mall, which is something I hate doing due to lack of cleanliness and the fact that I usually end up watching the food roll around in people's mouths. Attractive. It's a good place to people-watch sometimes, though. You could compare it to sitting in one of those old-fashioned hair dryers and pretending to read People Magazine while you hear about Jenny's date on Saturday with the average-looking guy from Marketing. The equally entertaining but generally easier option is the food court. I was enjoying my luke-warm Chick-fil-a when my mom, with tears in her eyes, said, "See that man over there (points)? He works in the shoe department at Macy's and every time I see him, I just get so sad. I wonder if he's alone." Keep in mind that my mother cries often -- I think it has to do with aging but the fact that a Macy's clerk was making her cry wasn't so abnormal.

Later that day, we saw him working the shoe department and being super polite and helpful, etc. My mind continued to linger on that curiosity. Does he have kids? What does he do on Friday nights if he's by himself? Because loneliness is something that everyone struggles with from time to time. I wondered what it would be like to be 60+ and, knowing that you're on the downhill side of life's timeline, be looking at the finality of death without anyone standing next to you. That's a harsh reality if you think about it.

I found out today that my pawpaw has a mass on one of his lungs. Keep in mind that this man is one of the most precious people created by God. It's easy to say in times of fear or loss or grief or anxiousness that someone is/was "one of the most influential people in your life." But please know that this man competes for the title of Most Influential Person in Courtney's Life, and probably wins most days. I know that God tries to teach me lessons that I sometimes ignore; but I'm confident that my grandpa speaks to me through a God that is using him to reach me. Because there are few people whose words I revere so highly. Now we don't know if the mass is benign or malignant -- at this point, I'm not filled with worry -- because he hasn't even had a biopsy yet. He's so upbeat and at peace and I know that whatever lies in store for us, I feel blessed to know such a brilliant and beautiful soul.

I hope you, whoever you are, are acutely aware of those blessings disguised as people. Our bodies are merely houses for the souls that we love, which is a strange and scary and vulnerable thing; but a reality that we are forced to adapt and submit to.

Boomer Sooner

Are you there? Are you listening? 

If you're even remembering to check this blog now that I'm safely home, you're wondering why I'm updating it. "You're home, Courtney." I know, I know. It's just that I got so used to posting about my life's happenings that dropping off the face of the Bloggosphere seemed a little unnatural. It's been a short three months since I boarded the plane at Roma Fiumicino and, let me tell you, it has drug by. Three months. That's a fourth of a year! The changes I saw in myself are slowly drifting away and I'm almost back to ordinary, post-adventure Courtney, who would just-as-soon sit on the couch with a rom-com than go out and enjoy the fresh air. These are terrifying updates to admit, I assure you. 

At first, I'd say I was a little shell-shocked. How could you not be? I was staring at this strange, tall robot that everyone was calling the "Devon Tower" and trying to understand why everyone was freaking out about the Thunder -- isn't basketball season supposed to over? I was a little unnerved by highways so when my dad tossed me the keys at the airport to drive Zorro home, I wasn't sure if that was the wisest decision. I had toned up my legs and arms from all the activity in Arezzo but all my hard work slowly slipped away when I had a car at my disposal. I lost weight in Italy but gained it in America. No surprise there. Without encouraging a reputation of impropriety, I must say that I was a little shocked at my inability to easily and casually obtain alcohol. I'm not a drunk but "why can't I just go take a beer to the park?" This question puzzled me persistently. 

I really didn't have a lot of time to sort through these internalized questions because, well, I was going to have a new brother in two weeks. That's right, my sister got married merely 13 days after my return. There were things that she insisted on waiting to begin until she could hear my opinion, which, while sweet, was a little senseless. Things like flowers, programs, jewelry. Ya know, just a 4 page 'Honey Do' list. No bitterness or anything, but I'll be waiting awhile to subject myself to mindless matrimony. Although, while a little off-subject, it's worth noting that I believe people are beginning to encourage life-partners upon me at my youthful 21 years. Why on God's green earth would I even entertain the thought at my age? For as Mrs. Marcia says, "Graduation, first." And for all I know, there might be two graduations in my future first. Anyway, many heartfelt Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Maldonado, who are now expecting a baby... Just kidding. Do I still have your attention?

Other than that, the summer has been lazy and hot. I got an internship that began a short 3 weeks ago through Whiz Kids for the fall and spring semesters. Whiz Kids is a faith-based, non-profit out of OKC that promotes literacy in elementary students by pairing them with a tutor that will mentor them (hopefully) throughout elementary and intermediate schools. It's a small staff but there's a lot to do and I love the people I see every day. God's doing great things through this program -- it now supports 26 schools in the area and is growing every year. My work is sometimes merely clerical but also includes some special projects so I'm still challenged.

I move back to Norman a week from today and I've barely started packing. No surprise there, right? I'm getting the itch to be in a classroom again and see all of my Arezzo friends. I can't wait to see what this next academic year has in store for me. 

Paradise

My heart is breaking a little more every day. The students are starting to trickle away -- the first of us left earlier this afternoon. Two of my favorites are leaving Thursday morning and I'm just at a loss of what I'm supposed to say exactly. 

Chloe turned 15 on Saturday, which is a little surreal for me considering that I remember the day she was born. Every time I blink she's a different person and I've had a hard time reconciling the fact that I missed an entire semester of her life. In my guilt, I made her a video that was not only fun to make, but fun to share:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8ol0e4nIk&feature=results_video&lr=1&ob=0

This last weekend was our trip to Sorrento/Capri/Pompeii. We started in Pompeii and listened while Kirk lectured for what felt like forever. We learned a lot and enjoyed our time there but were itching for some beach. We all stayed at the same hostel, which ended up being a campsite. We had 3-man cabins and all stayed in the same little village. So ensued the title Camp Arezzo, which none of us can think of without getting a little bit misty. 

Saturday we went to Capri and took in all the beauty around us. All I kept thinking when I saw the island was that it looked like the island on King Kong. I expected palm trees and beachy weather and outfits but it was a totally different kind of island experience. Most of the time, it just felt like I was on the coast of the mainland. We went through the city in the three tiers: the port, Capri, and Anacapri. As you go farther up the hill, the island becomes less commercial. We spent the day shopping and eating. BUT the best part of the day was when we went to the small beach. It's the beginning of May so the water is ice cold. I told my friends that there was no way I was leaving without jump straight into the Mediterranean. So I did, and it was colllld. By the end, everyone was jumping into the ocean in their clothes. We were so, so happy!

The whole weekend went by really quickly and we were all dreading going back home because Kirk's paper was coming up. I chose to do mine over Michelangelo's Last Judgment. It's not that the subject matter was difficult -- it's probably the easiest topic to find information on. It's just that the paper was supposed to be 7 pages and 1 and a half spacing. I thought I was supposed to be studying abroad, aka traveling?? We've all been super stressed about it all and we had our Italian language final on Tuesday. Which is a perfect segue into my next topic....

Monday was my 21st birthday! As previously mentioned, we were so stressed with finals that my entire birthday was spent working on Kirk's paper. We had a meeting that morning and my friends showed up with a pastry with candles in it and a cappuccino. That night, they all bought my dinner and brought me wine. We waited until today to celebrate though since we were all done with our papers. My friends and I had a potluck picnic in Cortona. We had pecorino cheeses, grapes, strawberries, bread, champagne and bruschetta! We were so full that we were falling asleep. A couple of us ended up buying new leather purses before heading back to Arezzo. 

Tonight we met at the Marco Perennio apartment for a dinner of mussels and pasta. We all just sat around playing music and being reminiscent. I have never been more scared to lose a group of people in my life. I just want time to stop right now. I love these people -- they have become such a part of my life journey. Have I already told you how much my heart is breaking? I think that's the way it's supposed to be, though. I'm supposed to fall in love with this place and my friends. I'm supposed to be sick about leaving. It's the sign that I did what I came here to do. I hope that everyone I know experiences something that changes them so greatly.

My heart is sinking as I'm lifting up above the clouds away from you

I can't believe I'm leaving, I don't know what I'm going to do

But someday, I will find my way back to where your name is written in the sand

'Cause I remember every sunset

I remember every word you said

We were never going to say goodbye

Tell me how to get back to paradise with you

And I'll be there in a heartbeat

Alive

Danielle and I took a little day trip to Pisa and Lucca on Saturday. The famous leaning tower is . . . still leaning. Surprise, surprise. We walked through the city, which is quaint and small. Their Duomo was beautiful and the Baptistery had a ten-second echo, which was really impressive. The security guard comes out every 30 minutes and sings for about 2 minutes. By the time she sings a scale, she's creating harmony with her voice(s). We caught the train over to Lucca and rode bikes along the city walls. We had lunch at a charming pizza place, sipped wine and watched a ridiculous break-dancing competition. The weather broke 80 degrees, which is impressive, I assure you, seeing as how it poured rain again all today. It was the best day and I told Danielle that when my birthday is going on and we're too busy working on finals, I would be willing to call that my birthday. It was just one of those days. I was happy.

 I'm getting this tightness in my chest. I'm moved to tears every time I think of leaving this beautiful place and the beautiful people that I've grown to love. I've gained more than just pounds and a love for carbs, believe me. I've gained a world view, a love of being amazed, a love of meeting people I can connect with on some seemingly insignificant level. I have had my moments that made my heart ached for parts of home, but now I'm having moments that I just ache to think of saying goodbye. I have 12 days and I keep doing the math in my head: by the time I subtract this weekend's travel (3 days), homework/final exams (3 days) and packing and cleaning my apartment for departure, I'm left with absolutely no time. Nothing is more devastating than knowing that it may be a very long time before I breathe Tuscan air.

I've found that I have an irresistible urge to do big things. I want to see it all and do it all. I want to see the castles of Germany, ski in the Alps, ride a camel in Turkey, see an elephant in India, sing with children in Africa. Is that wrong? It's kind of an expensive hobby, isn't it? I have seen only a small tease of the many wonders of God and I know there's more. I've seen things that can't be bought or sold, only felt; and I want nothing more than to feel them. It's not just a travel bug or an itch for adventure, it's want I want to do with my life. And I'm determined.

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”