Taking Chances

When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some of this post is going to sound unavoidably pretentious but I trust that my small following of readers will read it in good faith :) I believe that everyone has things about themselves that they love. Whether this list is one of physical qualities, learned abilities, or innate gifts, they're there. And hey, that's normal! Only a healthy human being can look within themselves and find good. Sometimes these qualities are ones that we can't see for ourselves; but that's why we have each other! That being said, there are a few things about myself that I love:

1. My hair. When I was growing up, it was cute. We couldn't go anywhere without someone commenting on my "unique," "carrot," "beautiful," "Is that the milkman's daughter?," hair. I hated it for a long time because 1) guys don't like girls with red hair (don't argue with me, it's the truth) and 2) all the popular, pretty girls were blonde and brunette. Why did I have to be so different? It wasn't until late junior high that I finally decided it was my birthmark, my identifier, and so indicative of the uniqueness that I carried with me.

2. My imagination. When I was in 9th grade, one of my favorite years of school, I had a teacher of current events and Oklahoma History named Dr. Foote. As far as teachers went, he was a gem, and I told him as much every chance I got. One time I asked him how he remained so relatable, even though he was in his 60s (I'm sure I even said it just like that -- I was so tactless at that age). He said, "You know, I decided a long time ago that if I was going to teach, I never wanted to forget what it was like to be your age." I thought that was the coolest thing I'd ever heard! I mean, parents don't even do that most of the time! How does this tie into my imagination? Well, I guess I just think it's made me good with kids and youth. On reflection, given the right age group, I could've been a teacher. I love that I can carry entire conversations with a 13 year old, even though the only thing we have in common is the fact that I was also once 13 years old. 

3. My humor. I love my sense of humor. I love that I take tense situations and make everyone redirect their energy into laughing. Long before my body is sagging from age, I will have laugh lines, because I love to laugh. Honestly, everyone THINKS their funny. And if you're reading this thinking, "Courtney, shut up, you're not funny, your jokes are only funny to you;" that's okay, too. Because while you're 

scowling at me, I'm laughing. So there. I win.

4. My intelligence. Before you let out a guffaw, please understand that I am very average student. I don't get exceptional grades and I'm not the first to speak up in class. I'm not talking about book smarts -- I'm talking about the knowledge I've acquired through experience. I love that I'm a jack-of-all-trades sort of person. I can help my dad build something, knowing the names of all the tools we use. I can help my mom sew, knowing all the sewing terminology she uses. I can talk to my actress friend and know most of the words she throws around and even a lot of the music she chooses. I can talk science with my friend who's studying medicine. I can talk cars (a little), fashion, music, international affairs, business, italian, italian wine, food, etc. I love that I can find something to say to every person I meet because unlike some, I'd rather know a little about everything than a lot about nothing. We get one chance at life -- I don't want to miss a thing. 

5. My spontaneity. I've made many spontaneous, risky decisions in my lifetime. I've also made some that were planned, risky decisions. I love that I've thrown myself into crazy places and things without looking back because it's lead me to some amazing opportunities. I'm terrified to look back on a life that was boring and empty. That's not the life we were created to live. 

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So there it is! Probably my top 5 favorite things about me! I finished with spontaneity because I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Because, as of late, I've found myself doing what I can to coast under the radar, which is sad because my willingness to take risks has always been one my favorite things about me. More specifically, I've failed at taking risks in relationships. Courtney, why'd you have to go there, huh? Go write that in your diary! I know, I know. The thing is, I've gotten so comfortable being alone. I lost my best friend awhile back. She was my other brain, my other set of eyes, my limbs. I was heartbroken and getting to a place where we both can be happy for each in spite of our differences hasn't been easy. So I've felt like I've had to figure things out differently, which has been lonely sometimes. But now even when someone great offers their heart, I quickly shut them out because it's easier to do that than to experience the loss of losing them later. So here it is, folks, the big one. I need to find a way to love my love. I want one of my favorite things about myself to be the way I love others and the relationships I create. And I need you to keep me accountable!

Mama Said

I imagine you're sitting on the couch in your living room. Maybe you have a bowl of popcorn and the remote in hand as you channel surf for a good movie. Are you tired? Insomnia getting you down? If only I were so lucky. I'm exhausted, grumpy and fed up with my 10-page "group" paper that this girl is essentially writing, editing and researching by herself. So instead of feeding my pessimism, I'll leave you with a video that Danielle and I just spent the last 10 minutes dancing to for stress-relief. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQlImg2bm28 

sell your clothes, keep your thoughts

It's been a crazy month or so -- the kind you look back on and wonder exactly what you actually did during it. I find that my overall state of happiness lies chiefly in my stress. Don't expect to find a happy Courtney when I have too much time on my hands. I'm overloaded and overbooked and completely thrilled with everything going on in my life. 

Firstly, know that my supposedly brave, forceful front is just that: a front. When it comes to true tests of courage, I'm in line with the mice. When I was younger, I could play on stage or talk in front of 50 people with complete ease. I could entertain a room or at least hold the attention of the few people I was talking to; but it's a different situation to have a job interview or voice my opinion to strong opposition. I'm quite the timid little girl about serious tests. That's why, until now, I've played it safe in my college career (that is, if you call living with zealous Italians 'playing it safe'). 

Since I came back to Norman, I started writing for the paper (albeit, somewhat poorly); applying for things like crazy; and maybe even going on a date with a handsome stranger.

In early September, I told myself that I was going to go to the Career Fair. "No more getting out of it, Courtney. You're going to show up in a monkey suit and impress those corporate recruiters. You're going to be looking for a job in two years so get to networking." So I did just that. I went to that pig slaughter and stood in line with all the other seemingly average students who were going to beg and flatter their way into whatever summer internship they could find. I went to 5 organizations.

I started with my favorite, my dream job, my ideal: the Department of State. Been there, done that, as far as internship applications go. I'd applied and got on the "alternate list" for an internship this past summer in Roma at the U.S. Embassy. It all worked  out fine -- I would've had to come home for Cara's wedding and then return; and the internship would have been unpaid. There's a reason that it didn't work out. I mainly went because I'm still interested in the State Department long-term so I talked to the diplomat in residence. 

Then I spoke with (in no particular order) Phillips 66, ConocoPhillips, Devon and Chesapeake. Woah. Lots of big names there, huh? 

WELL. Guess who I had a VERY successful interview with today for a possible summer 2013 internship? Haha. I know better than that! I'm not telling you! At least, not for another 3 weeks when I find out the official results. What I can say is, that was the most comfortable and successful interview I've ever left. I'm definitely excited at the prospect of spending the summer with them. 

Other than that, I interviewed for OU's Chapter of the JCPenney Leadership Program. They had a record number of applicants (150+) and I made in the top 55. Not too shabby. In the last 3 weeks, I've worn a suit 4 times. I must say, that's a rarity for me under any circumstances. 

As for the date, well, we'll see. I'm not one to shy away from new things or people but with my busy life right now, I just don't want to commit a bunch of extra time. 

“However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts.”

-Henry David Thoreau

Gold Medalist

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were thing like astronaut, president, or in my case… princess. 

When we were ten, they asked again and we answered - rock star, cowboy, or in my case, gold medalist. But now that we've grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how 'bout this: who the heck knows?!

This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions, its time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere chill. Fall in love - a lot. Major in philosophy 'cause there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind. Then change it again, because nothing is permanent.

So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday, when they ask again what we want to be… we won't have to guess. We'll know."

The 4th Stage

Birth. Childhood. Adulthood. Death. Repeat.
That exact moment that you realize how human we really are -- that from the day we are born, our bodies are slowing dying. That exact moment when you stop thinking like a 21 year old that will live forever. That exact moment that it stops being irrelevant to you and becomes really personal. That exact moment that you realize that your life is about to drastically change.

Over the last week, I have heard some of the saddest and most heart-wrenching news in the lives of a couple different people -- some I sat near at church and some that I speak to on an almost-daily basis. Isn't grief so interesting? I mean, every single person deals with it differently. What do you do in times of sadness?

Do you dwell on it or do you avoid it?
Do you lose your appetite or overeat?
Do you find yourself wide awake in the night or do you sleep through the day?
Do you find yourself more productive or immobile?
Talk about it too much or not enough?
Do you pick up a hobby or do you just sit in silence?
Call a friend? Turn off your phone?

Well, whatever it is you do, maybe it'll help to hear the advice of a giant:
"Be known for your gentleness and never forget the nearness of our God. And don't worry about whatever's going to come. Just tell God every detail and the peace of God that no one understand will come to you."
Philippians 4:6-7

Easier said than done, right? If you're me, you're thinking that "not worrying" is asking a little too much. If you're me, you're wondering, "Why are we even here? Why get in too deep with people and be vulnerable when death and tragedy is so inevitable?" That's one those questions that is usually answered by, "Don't dwell on questions that you'll never know the answer to."

Well. I wanna know.

"There is nothing to be feared from a body any more than

 there is anything to be feared from the darkness . . . 

It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more."

HP, HBP

Peace and Blessings

We were sitting in the food court at Penn Square Mall, which is something I hate doing due to lack of cleanliness and the fact that I usually end up watching the food roll around in people's mouths. Attractive. It's a good place to people-watch sometimes, though. You could compare it to sitting in one of those old-fashioned hair dryers and pretending to read People Magazine while you hear about Jenny's date on Saturday with the average-looking guy from Marketing. The equally entertaining but generally easier option is the food court. I was enjoying my luke-warm Chick-fil-a when my mom, with tears in her eyes, said, "See that man over there (points)? He works in the shoe department at Macy's and every time I see him, I just get so sad. I wonder if he's alone." Keep in mind that my mother cries often -- I think it has to do with aging but the fact that a Macy's clerk was making her cry wasn't so abnormal.

Later that day, we saw him working the shoe department and being super polite and helpful, etc. My mind continued to linger on that curiosity. Does he have kids? What does he do on Friday nights if he's by himself? Because loneliness is something that everyone struggles with from time to time. I wondered what it would be like to be 60+ and, knowing that you're on the downhill side of life's timeline, be looking at the finality of death without anyone standing next to you. That's a harsh reality if you think about it.

I found out today that my pawpaw has a mass on one of his lungs. Keep in mind that this man is one of the most precious people created by God. It's easy to say in times of fear or loss or grief or anxiousness that someone is/was "one of the most influential people in your life." But please know that this man competes for the title of Most Influential Person in Courtney's Life, and probably wins most days. I know that God tries to teach me lessons that I sometimes ignore; but I'm confident that my grandpa speaks to me through a God that is using him to reach me. Because there are few people whose words I revere so highly. Now we don't know if the mass is benign or malignant -- at this point, I'm not filled with worry -- because he hasn't even had a biopsy yet. He's so upbeat and at peace and I know that whatever lies in store for us, I feel blessed to know such a brilliant and beautiful soul.

I hope you, whoever you are, are acutely aware of those blessings disguised as people. Our bodies are merely houses for the souls that we love, which is a strange and scary and vulnerable thing; but a reality that we are forced to adapt and submit to.

Boomer Sooner

Are you there? Are you listening? 

If you're even remembering to check this blog now that I'm safely home, you're wondering why I'm updating it. "You're home, Courtney." I know, I know. It's just that I got so used to posting about my life's happenings that dropping off the face of the Bloggosphere seemed a little unnatural. It's been a short three months since I boarded the plane at Roma Fiumicino and, let me tell you, it has drug by. Three months. That's a fourth of a year! The changes I saw in myself are slowly drifting away and I'm almost back to ordinary, post-adventure Courtney, who would just-as-soon sit on the couch with a rom-com than go out and enjoy the fresh air. These are terrifying updates to admit, I assure you. 

At first, I'd say I was a little shell-shocked. How could you not be? I was staring at this strange, tall robot that everyone was calling the "Devon Tower" and trying to understand why everyone was freaking out about the Thunder -- isn't basketball season supposed to over? I was a little unnerved by highways so when my dad tossed me the keys at the airport to drive Zorro home, I wasn't sure if that was the wisest decision. I had toned up my legs and arms from all the activity in Arezzo but all my hard work slowly slipped away when I had a car at my disposal. I lost weight in Italy but gained it in America. No surprise there. Without encouraging a reputation of impropriety, I must say that I was a little shocked at my inability to easily and casually obtain alcohol. I'm not a drunk but "why can't I just go take a beer to the park?" This question puzzled me persistently. 

I really didn't have a lot of time to sort through these internalized questions because, well, I was going to have a new brother in two weeks. That's right, my sister got married merely 13 days after my return. There were things that she insisted on waiting to begin until she could hear my opinion, which, while sweet, was a little senseless. Things like flowers, programs, jewelry. Ya know, just a 4 page 'Honey Do' list. No bitterness or anything, but I'll be waiting awhile to subject myself to mindless matrimony. Although, while a little off-subject, it's worth noting that I believe people are beginning to encourage life-partners upon me at my youthful 21 years. Why on God's green earth would I even entertain the thought at my age? For as Mrs. Marcia says, "Graduation, first." And for all I know, there might be two graduations in my future first. Anyway, many heartfelt Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Maldonado, who are now expecting a baby... Just kidding. Do I still have your attention?

Other than that, the summer has been lazy and hot. I got an internship that began a short 3 weeks ago through Whiz Kids for the fall and spring semesters. Whiz Kids is a faith-based, non-profit out of OKC that promotes literacy in elementary students by pairing them with a tutor that will mentor them (hopefully) throughout elementary and intermediate schools. It's a small staff but there's a lot to do and I love the people I see every day. God's doing great things through this program -- it now supports 26 schools in the area and is growing every year. My work is sometimes merely clerical but also includes some special projects so I'm still challenged.

I move back to Norman a week from today and I've barely started packing. No surprise there, right? I'm getting the itch to be in a classroom again and see all of my Arezzo friends. I can't wait to see what this next academic year has in store for me.