When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Some of this post is going to sound unavoidably pretentious but I trust that my small following of readers will read it in good faith :) I believe that everyone has things about themselves that they love. Whether this list is one of physical qualities, learned abilities, or innate gifts, they're there. And hey, that's normal! Only a healthy human being can look within themselves and find good. Sometimes these qualities are ones that we can't see for ourselves; but that's why we have each other! That being said, there are a few things about myself that I love:
1. My hair. When I was growing up, it was cute. We couldn't go anywhere without someone commenting on my "unique," "carrot," "beautiful," "Is that the milkman's daughter?," hair. I hated it for a long time because 1) guys don't like girls with red hair (don't argue with me, it's the truth) and 2) all the popular, pretty girls were blonde and brunette. Why did I have to be so different? It wasn't until late junior high that I finally decided it was my birthmark, my identifier, and so indicative of the uniqueness that I carried with me.
2. My imagination. When I was in 9th grade, one of my favorite years of school, I had a teacher of current events and Oklahoma History named Dr. Foote. As far as teachers went, he was a gem, and I told him as much every chance I got. One time I asked him how he remained so relatable, even though he was in his 60s (I'm sure I even said it just like that -- I was so tactless at that age). He said, "You know, I decided a long time ago that if I was going to teach, I never wanted to forget what it was like to be your age." I thought that was the coolest thing I'd ever heard! I mean, parents don't even do that most of the time! How does this tie into my imagination? Well, I guess I just think it's made me good with kids and youth. On reflection, given the right age group, I could've been a teacher. I love that I can carry entire conversations with a 13 year old, even though the only thing we have in common is the fact that I was also once 13 years old.
3. My humor. I love my sense of humor. I love that I take tense situations and make everyone redirect their energy into laughing. Long before my body is sagging from age, I will have laugh lines, because I love to laugh. Honestly, everyone THINKS their funny. And if you're reading this thinking, "Courtney, shut up, you're not funny, your jokes are only funny to you;" that's okay, too. Because while you're
scowling at me, I'm laughing. So there. I win.
4. My intelligence. Before you let out a guffaw, please understand that I am very average student. I don't get exceptional grades and I'm not the first to speak up in class. I'm not talking about book smarts -- I'm talking about the knowledge I've acquired through experience. I love that I'm a jack-of-all-trades sort of person. I can help my dad build something, knowing the names of all the tools we use. I can help my mom sew, knowing all the sewing terminology she uses. I can talk to my actress friend and know most of the words she throws around and even a lot of the music she chooses. I can talk science with my friend who's studying medicine. I can talk cars (a little), fashion, music, international affairs, business, italian, italian wine, food, etc. I love that I can find something to say to every person I meet because unlike some, I'd rather know a little about everything than a lot about nothing. We get one chance at life -- I don't want to miss a thing.
5. My spontaneity. I've made many spontaneous, risky decisions in my lifetime. I've also made some that were planned, risky decisions. I love that I've thrown myself into crazy places and things without looking back because it's lead me to some amazing opportunities. I'm terrified to look back on a life that was boring and empty. That's not the life we were created to live.
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So there it is! Probably my top 5 favorite things about me! I finished with spontaneity because I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Because, as of late, I've found myself doing what I can to coast under the radar, which is sad because my willingness to take risks has always been one my favorite things about me. More specifically, I've failed at taking risks in relationships. Courtney, why'd you have to go there, huh? Go write that in your diary! I know, I know. The thing is, I've gotten so comfortable being alone. I lost my best friend awhile back. She was my other brain, my other set of eyes, my limbs. I was heartbroken and getting to a place where we both can be happy for each in spite of our differences hasn't been easy. So I've felt like I've had to figure things out differently, which has been lonely sometimes. But now even when someone great offers their heart, I quickly shut them out because it's easier to do that than to experience the loss of losing them later. So here it is, folks, the big one. I need to find a way to love my love. I want one of my favorite things about myself to be the way I love others and the relationships I create. And I need you to keep me accountable!
