Whatever It Is

Ohhh boy. It's back. What's "it," you may ask? Dried out hands; dark bags under my eyes; the permanent smell of foccacia and mop water; and the ever-attractive hat hair. That's right, I have, yet again, sold my soul to Panera Bread. Before you judge me harshly because of the awful mood I was always in last year, you should know that my time away has at least helped me to maintain a better attitude when I work. This morning was my first shift back and fortunately, all the soup worshipers took the day off and decided to go everywhere else -- I.AM.RUSTY. I kept getting things mixed up and wrong and people laughed. A lot of embarrassment. I felt new all over again. Plus, they were telling embarrassing stories -- "Hey Courtney, haha, remember that time, haha, that you slipped and fell on your butt in the back of the house, haha?? So funny, haha." "You must be talking about someone else...." "No, haha, that was totally you." 

Represent. But I also didn't realize how many Panera kids I considered friends. I was beaming all day because I got to see all of them. I suppose I kind of missed them, maybe?

This weekend is drowning me. I have a lot of homework which, of course, is why I'm blogging. But really, I've told the same person I can't see them about 4 times in the last two weeks. I think she's giving up on me! I just told myself last May that I was going to do better this semester -- that I was going to get a 4.0 at all costs. I'm almost there -- only a few more weeks! I guess I just don't know what went wrong. I was in high school, loving it, always busy, surrounded by friends and distractions, and still never had below an "A." I know what you're thinking: "Courtney. You went to Choctaw High School. How hard is it to get an A?" Well, still, it's not like I never challenged myself. I took ... reasonably difficult subjects... Okay, so they were pretty easy. But I'd like to think that the real reason I've performed on a mediocre level in college is because I really don't loooove what I'm learning. What would YOU do if you could do it all over again? 

Other than all the busyness, I'm happy, or at least, the absence of sad. How do you define happiness, anyway? We talked about that the other day in class and I just thought it was funny. I mean, when someone just asks you blankly, "Are you happy?," isn't your answer always, "Well, I mean, I'm not NOT happy..."? I think a general sense of happiness -- that is -- happiness in its most consistent form is lost when someone loses their innocence -- when the world gives them a good spanking. I was fortunate that this period came pretty late for me -- when I was 18 and I realized that I had to be grown-up and that only I could answer for my choices and friends and future. I think in America, at least, these realizations force us to a crossroads where we get so serious and lose our uniqueness and spontaneity. I'm not trying to sound morbid or depressing -- I love laughing and playing and being alive. I just think too many people confuse optimism for happiness. They say, "Happiness is a choice." I would argue, optimism's a choice. Happiness is sometimes, I stress, sometimes in the cards you're dealt. It has nothing to do with money or success or love. It has to do with finding what your soul desires and making sure you get it. That could be service, missions, leadership, commerce, philanthropy, you name it! But whatever it is, every person was built to add their facet to a larger whole. And when they find that ticket, they are fulfilled, and consequently, happy. Their soul wants for nothing more.

Am I happy? I'm definitely optimistic! I have no doubt that I will find whatever "it" is. I've found pieces of it. But I'm waiting, wherever you are!

Look at the gorgeous picture of the Sorrento Ruins I found! Must go there! Italia: 63 Days!

"Plenty of people never miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it."