equilibrium

I feel weird. Imbalanced, kind of. I all of a sudden don't care at all about class and being perfect at school. I just want to stop. I haven't gotten to catch up -- on school or schedules or life. I haven't even gotten to sit and relax. I'm returning from Spring Break, which usually means that, if nothing else, I've slept. I haven't. 

I think about him all the time and when I'm not thinking about him, I feel guilty. He's the kind of person that deserves to be thought of. I was driving and honked at a slow driver. When I passed him and realized it was an old man, I started sobbing. When I was at a restaurant and saw a man eating alone, I had to fight back the mist that was starting in the corners of my eyes. When I pulled over for a funeral procession, I started crying. Anytime someone asks me about how I'm doing with those knowing eyes, my mouth draws up and I know it's coming. 

I never thought of myself as the emotional type. I'm the hard one. But anything and everything that reminds me of him being gone initiates a reaction from me. Yet, I think more than anything, I just misunderstood what this should feel like. I thought it'd be this heart-wrenching sense of emptiness but really, I feel like he went to run an errand and hasn't come back. Like he's just absent.